1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,560


2
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:07,720

and you gave without taking

3
00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,880


4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:11,640


5
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:16,800

and stopped me from shaking

6
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,360


7
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,480


8
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:30,360
Ey, Lola, some dickhead's gone
and bred a strain of giant bees.

9
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,760
I'll bet it was a man.

10
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,640
Of course it was a man!

11
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:37,320
Women haven't got time to breed
a strain of giant bees.

12
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,720
We're too busy.

13
00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,440
Did you hear about the Banksy?

14
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,560
The what?

15
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,720
Banksy. The artist.

16
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,320
He has done another very clever
satirical painting

17
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,200
on the side of the library.

18
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,880
What do they look like?

19
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:58,720
Well, he'll do things like
two policemen kissing

20
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,040
or a very big mouse holding
a balloon.

21
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,120
Very clever.

22
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,120
Everyone is talking about it.

23
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,760
I hope he does another one
on the front of the salon.

24
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:10,960
They will bring so much money
to the area.

25
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,440
How?

26
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,800
Well, hopefully, when people
visit to see the Banksy,

27
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,840
they will come in and get some
acrylic tips put on -

28
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,320
- make a day of it.
- Oh, right.

29
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,240
Might go and see it.

30
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,080
- See if I can squeeze it in
before the Jobcentre.
- Mm-hm.

31
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,400
Fool's Gold
by The Stone Roses

32
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:38,680
Hey, Lee!

33
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,320
Lee!

34
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,520
Sorry, Mandy. Noise-cancelling.

35
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:48,240
- Where are you off to?
- Going to go and look at a painting.

36
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:49,480
That doesn't sound like you.

37
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,240
No, well,
I'm at a bit of a loose end.

38
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,600
- Not working, then?
- I'm not good at anything.

39
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,520
- What are you up to?
- This and that.

40
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,400
I've got to go away for a while
tomorrow.

41
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,680
- Oh, what, holiday is it?
- Sort of.

42
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,440
The thing is,
I've got no-one to water me plants.

43
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,600
- You wouldn't be up for doing it?
- Oh, I don't know.

44
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,680
All's you got to do is
let yourself in

45
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,240
and water the plants.

46
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,240
Hang out,
watch TV while you're there.

47
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,680
I've got a big screen.

48
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,240
- How big?
- 65 inch. 4K.

49
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,280
I'll do it.

50
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:18,000
And there'd be a few quid in it
for you.

51
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,040
- Sounds right up my street.
- Great.

52
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,200
Come back to mine,
I'll give you the spare key.

53
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,520
Forget the painting.

54
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,720
- But I've never seen a Banky.
- I have.

55
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,280
Essentially, they all look
the fucking same.

56
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,200
Here you go.

57
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,200
I'll leave some instructions
in the hall.

58
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,400
The main thing is,

59
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:36,960
DON'T LET THEM DIE!

60
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,920
Or we'll both be
in a lot of trouble.

61
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,080
What sort of trouble?

62
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,480
Oh, nothing. Forget about it.

63
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,520
But DON'T LET THEM DIE.

64
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:44,800
Here you go.

65
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,760
Ta. Have a nice holiday, Lee,
I'll see you soon.

66
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,520
Cheers, Mandy. I will.

67
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,960
Er, I'll text you when
I'm coming back, yeah?

68
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,640
- Yeah. See ya.
- All right.

69
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,200
OK, here we are.

70
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,040
Have you ever worked in
a fish and chip shop before?

71
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,480
No.

72
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,160
Well,

73
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,360
they say - no experience required,
they'll train you up on the job.

74
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:11,920
Mm, lucky old me.

75
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,040
Shall I give them a ring?

76
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,480
- Do what you like.
- Oh, my G...

77
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,840
I'll give them a ring, then.
Honestly, your attitude...

78
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,680
..absolutely stinks.

79
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,640
Oh, hi. Is that Le Chippery?

80
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:26,320
Oh. No, I don't want to order
anything.

81
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,560
No, no. God, no.

82
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,000
No, I'm just... I'm calling from
the Jobcentre.

83
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,560
Yeah, I've got someone here who is

84
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,200
extremely interested
in your trainee position.

85
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,400
Oh. OK! Great!

86
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,720
Um, yeah, no problem.

87
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,720
Fantastic! I'll pass it on.

88
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,640
Well, Mandy, it's your lucky day.

89
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,160
They're absolutely desperate.

90
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,440
They say you don't need to interview
for the position.

91
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,200
You just turn up tonight at 6pm.

92
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,560
OK? It's minimum wage,

93
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,440
but you do get
all the green chips you can eat.

94
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,440
Mm-hm. I thought you'd like that.

95
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,000
FRONT DOOR CLOSES

96
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,680
SHE READS ALOUD

97
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,400
Bloody hell,
he likes it hot in here.

98
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,960
He must have forgotten to turn
the thermostat off.

99
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,920
Zoo Be Zoo Be Zoo
by Sophia Loren

100
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,240


101
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,920


102
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,440

Zoo be zoo, zoo be zoo

103
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,680


104
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,840


105
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,320


106
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,520

Zoo be zoo, zoo be zoo...

107
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:57,960
Fuck me,

108
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,120
he loves his plants.

109
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,440


110
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,000
Naked In The Rain
by Blue Pearl

111
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,560


112
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,920


113
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,920


114
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,800


115
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:26,440

to give a helping hand to fate

116
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,520

First we gotta cool down

117
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,360


118
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:38,480

Oh, oh...

119
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,520
SHE COUGHS

120
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,520


121
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:41,880
Uh...

122
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,680
Turn that down.

123
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,400
Save him a fortune.

124
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,640
JINGLE PLAYS

125
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,880
Let's see how the
Red team is doing.

126
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,200
Sue and Jeff think this
toasting fork...

127
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,360
They'll never get 60 quid for...

128
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,280
..for that lamp!

129
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,280
SHE CHUCKLES

130
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,240
Look at the fucking state of it!

131
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,320
SHE SIGHS SOFTLY

132
00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:17,840
It's back to the drawing board
for the Red team,

133
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:22,320
which they think will net them
a tasty £300.

134
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,800
Pointless Theme Tune

135
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,920
Thank you very much.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong,

136
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,120
and welcome to Pointless.

137
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,880
Pointless?!
How long have I been asleep for?

138
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,680
Oh, fuck me, I'm late.

139
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,880
- Are you from Jobcentre?
- Yeah.

140
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,240
- You are late!
- I know, sorry, I fell asleep.

141
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,880
You work in chip shop before?

142
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,960
No, but I've spent
a lot of time in them.

143
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,440
You know? And sometimes,
if I can't afford chips,

144
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,000
I'll just come in and look
at the saveloys under the hot lamp.

145
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,200
This is for you.

146
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,800
Oh, you fucking...!

147
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,040
This is your first and ONLY
training session.

148
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,600
Pay attention!

149
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,480
You do chips. I do fish.

150
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,000
Chips easy.

151
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,920
Fish hard.

152
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,640
- I
- do fish. Understand?

153
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:11,880
Yeah, yeah, I understand.

154
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,440
See this?

155
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:14,680
- Chips.
- Chips.

156
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:15,920
See this?

157
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,160
- Hot fat.
- Hot fat.

158
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:20,000
200 degrees. Put chips in.

159
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,080
Wait!

160
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,760
- Take chips out.
- Take chips out.

161
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,080
Easy.

162
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,600
You think even YOU can do it?

163
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,280
Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah.

164
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,280
I do fish. MUCH harder.

165
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,680
Very skilled job.

166
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,240
This fish batter...

167
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:34,960
- Do not touch!
- Agh!

168
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,680
- Oh...!
- You good at chips,

169
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,560
you learn fish in maybe four...

170
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,040
..five years. Understand?

171
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,720
Yeah, I understand,
it's a long-term career. I get it.

172
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,640
So now, it's
going to get very busy here.

173
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,760
- Is it?
- I'll go get fish from freezer.

174
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,880
YOU, make chips. Make chips!

175
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,520
SIZZLING

176
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,320
What?! What is happening here?

177
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,120
You let chips burn!

178
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,200
You just stand there!

179
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,120
What is the meaning of this?!

180
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:25,440
You burn many chips -
that comes out of your pay.

181
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,800
You must pay attention!

182
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,600
You are stupid lady!

183
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,360
You fucking bitch!

184
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,760
Agh!

185
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,920
SIZZLING AND SCREAMING

186
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,280
Er, two cod and chips, please.

187
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,680
Can you wait 15 minutes
for the chips?

188
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,080
Mm.

189
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,760
Interview
at Radcliffe Police Station.

190
00:08:55,760 --> 00:09:00,560
For the purpose of the tape,
those present - DCI Shaun Lambert,

191
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,680
DS Colin Butler and Mandy Carter.

192
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,640
You can't smoke in here, Mandy.

193
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,440
What about Sharon Stone?
She smoked in HER police interview.

194
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,000
And she wasn't wearing any pants.

195
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,880
I always wear 'em.

196
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,360
You never know when you might
get run over by a tram.

197
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:17,720
Or arrested.

198
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,600
Mandy, do you know why you're here?

199
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,160
What is it this time?
Doing a job for the cash

200
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,800
and not telling the social

201
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,040
while billionaires fiddle
their books to avoid paying tax?

202
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,520
Grievous bodily harm.

203
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,040
And supplying cannabis.

204
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,720
What?! I've done neither.

205
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,640
Remember this? Mm?

206
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,040
Mrs Tanaka at Le Chippery?

207
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,320
You know what we could do you for -

208
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,960
battery!

209
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,960
HE CHUCKLES

210
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,160
Do you get it? Ba...

211
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,640
- Not now, Colin.
- Sorry.

212
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,320
Do you recognise that woman?

213
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,040
Yeah, but she was a nutjob,
she pushed me too far.

214
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,560
Have you not got a legal
representative

215
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,040
that's supposed to be here for you?

216
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,560
They said they'd send me a lawyer
but no-one's turned up yet.

217
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,640
Look, let's just get on with it,
shall we?

218
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,760
Knowing you lot,
you'll fit me up anyway.

219
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,160
Do yourself a favour, sweetheart,
and get yourself a lawyer!

220
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,840
A good one.

221
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,080
Yeah. DS Butler's got a good point.

222
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:08,200
Maybe we should just...give him
a few more minutes to get here.

223
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,720
CLATTER

224
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,640
- Sorry I'm late.
- For the purpose of the tape,

225
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,360
the suspect's lawyer has just
entered the room

226
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,840
on an e-scooter.

227
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,600
You know those things are illegal
on public highways?

228
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:31,960
And pavements.

229
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,520
Of course I know. I'm a lawyer,
aren't I?

230
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,440
Anyway, I'm not on the pavement -

231
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,960
I'm inside the room.

232
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,080
- Hello, I'm Mark.
I'm your legal representative.
- Mm.

233
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,480
Move over, OJ, I've got
my own fucking Dream Team.

234
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,360
Just say "no comment" to everything,

235
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,920
like they do on the television.

236
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,720
What are the charges
against my client?

237
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,200
Grievous bodily harm
and supplying cannabis.

238
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:58,960
Bloody hell.

239
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,600
I normally do parking.

240
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,240
Do you recognise this man?

241
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,080
Yeah, that's my mate, Lee.

242
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,960
Yeah, well, your mate is wanted
by Interpol

243
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,560
for supplying cannabis.
Any idea where he is?

244
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,400
Said he had to go away for a while.

245
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,800
He will be going away for a while
if WE catch up with him.

246
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,200
A LONG while!

247
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,320
There is a way out of this for you,
Mandy.

248
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,560
We can make you a deal.

249
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,600
You let us know
when Lee's back in the country,

250
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,320
and we'll get you a reduced sentence
on the cannabis charge.

251
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:28,880
And we'll even turn a blind eye
on that chip shop incident.

252
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,280
Deadly ASSAULT and vinegar!

253
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,440
- Colin, not now.
- Sorry.

254
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,120
What do you think?

255
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,480
No comment.

256
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:39,720
BELL DINGS

257
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:42,760
How did it go at court?

258
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,800
- Eh?
- I said, how did it go at court?

259
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,840
Oh, I have to do community service.

260
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,560
I've already started.

261
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:49,760
They've given me a jet-washer

262
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,160
and I have to get all the chewing
gum and muck off the streets.

263
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,560
I quite like it.

264
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:54,800
How much do you have to do?

265
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,120
100 hours.

266
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,520
That's not much for a drugs charge,
is it?

267
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,840
No, well,

268
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,640
I had a good lawyer.

269
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,760
Hey, these...these vegetarian
sausage rolls from Werzel's

270
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,320
are incredible.
You wouldn't know it wasn't meat.

271
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,400
Oh, 'ello! Look who it is.

272
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,360
Suspect is approaching the property.

273
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,520
OH, SWEET JESUS!

274
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,400
Suspect is now inside the property.

275
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,560
Suspect is on foot.

276
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,800
Mandy, what the hell have you done?!

277
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,160
Go, go, go!

278
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,320
Ring me back as soon
as you get this message!

279
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,680
Lee Smith, you're under arrest -

280
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,360
possession of cannabis plants
with the intent to supply!

281
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,960
Intent to supply?

282
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,000
Supply what? Dead plants?

283
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,240
Oh...thank you, Mandy Carter.

284
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,280
Naked In The Rain
by Blue Pearl

285
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,400
Oh, fucking hell, that looks awful.

286
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,000
Soon have that shit off.

287
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,040


288
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,080
It's a Banksy!

289
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,240


290
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,000
SHOUTING

291
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,320


292
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,040
SHOUTING

293
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,200


294
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,280
- Get her down! Someone get her down!
- Bloody idiot!

295
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,880
SHOUTING AND PROTESTING

296
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,600
What?!

297
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,120
Oh.

298
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,360
I got that graffiti off.

299
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,920
As an apology, cos of your face.

300
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,840
Is that job still going?

301
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,080
Mandy Carter,

302
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,120
I HATE YOU!

303
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,600


304
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,520


305
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,800


306
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,360